For the LORD is good…

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For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.
 ~Psalm 100:5

I’ve learned that I must trust in God’s goodness. When I start to worry and doubt that something will work out for my good I am in fact denying God’s truth. The Word clearly tells us how God can and will work things out for the good of those who LOVE Him (Romans 8:28).

Let’s take a look at the word love though. According to Strong’s, the type of love referred to here is agape love. To deconstruct the meaning a little further, I will mention the three types of love in the Bible. There is eros (sexual, erotic in nautre), phileo (brotherly), and agape (all encompassing, selfless, submitted). There is a misleading assumption that as long as I claim God and say that I love Him and give an offering that He will work out MY every wish. This is not so. This love mentioned in Romans 8:28 is agape love. Agape love towards God means that we are willing and specifically purposing ourselves to live under God’s will for our lives. The rest of the verse reads, “and a called according to His purpose.”

I believe I have been called to His purpose and many of you as well. To this day I have yet to live up to my full potential though. I doubted God’s love for a long time. Not thinking that He doesn’t love me, but just thinking that He wasn’t looking out for my best interests. I was a giving child, then a selfish adult (due to adventures in life I shall expound upon later) and now that harsh exterior is being cracked. I was always desperate for a relationship; for someone to call my own: a friend, a boyfriend, a husband, a child. I was always craving a relationship. I believe God put that desire inside of me because I am such a relational individual.

My desire for relationship was not well nourished. I was shy and not very outgoing. The Lord led me to friends that became so much more than that. Yet and still, they were not enough to fill the gaping hole that I thought desired a romantic relationship; someone I could call my own. I experienced hurt, heartache, disillusionment, and brokenness. I am not here to write a blog about a sad past but a bright future!

Here’s a sum of my desperation. I was so desperate for a relationship, especially marriage that I would have gladly married, the first one to ask me. God denied me that pleasure (or so I thought of it as a pleasure). As early as high school I was in desperate throes for marriage, solidarity with another, permanence. It was then that I began to doubt God’s goodness. I mean really, how could He not see that I would make the perfect wife for some lucky man? Why didn’t God want to honor my desire of marriage and not just a baby? I had the means, opportunity, the heart and the support to take care of a child myself, but I wanted the full package and figured God should see it my way. Why would He deny this opportunity to a woman (of faith) who was willing to learn (submit, maybe, if she thought her husband was smart enough), and serve (in the church on my own terms). God just wasn’t doing Himself any justice, was He? How smug and desperate was I? I thought I was ready for it. I used to think, look at my parents and how much they fuss and fight, but they still love each other. And if they survived for this many years, I could learn to love a husband just as well…

and then I learned what marriage truly is. Now, I have grown to see that God’s grace couldn’t be better. Or maybe it could and that is the exciting part! If His grace and mercy on my foolishness is even more graceful and merciful than what I have experienced then  I am in for a treat. A glorious treat, in the form of more blessings and something way beyond the realm of my finite imagination (I Corinthians 2:9)!

To be continued about how His grace took care of me and all of my needs…

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