As I said, I was ready to marry the first one to ask. God denied this at every turn. I would meet a guy and swear he was the one and if he wasn’t the one, by the time I got through manipulating his faults, he WOULD BE the one! As all of my attempts at creating my perfect guy failed, I began to doubt God’s goodness and His desire for my happiness.
So I got out of the mindset that marriage was a condition that would bring happiness, because in actuality, if attained by improper means, it could lead to the most destructive times of our lives. Marriage is a representative of Christ and His marriage to the Church. Do you know what He did in that relationship? He died that she might live. Can we righteously and unselfishly say that we are willing to give our lives for anyone? A plethora of mothers and fathers may say that they are willing to die for their children, but do you know that your husband or wife should come before your children? So I had to get out of the mindset that a marriage would make me happy and that is all that I needed. I had to learn to give and not receive, die and not revive, love even when not being loved in return.
I am constantly learning that God’s goodness is real. His Son showed us how good our Father in Heaven is. So in His goodness He saved me from my own disgusting sinfulness. I had convinced my self that my last relationship was the one to end all relationships. But then I realized that I had been loving without being loved in return and I was in my “shape and mold him” mode the entire time. I saw what I wanted to see and he was not the one God had for me. I had stopped trusting God to hold up His end of the bargain (check out my blog The Bargaining Chip). And if he was going to be the one, I would need to let the Lord handle him and there was no “fixing” his issues myself. So I ended up being one more day short of that marriage goal. I could have sworn that we had done everything
partially right and that he wanted to marry me. But as soon as I gave it over to the Lord in a desperate prayer, the relationship began to dissolve and though I could not see it then, I see it was the prayer that saved me from a lifetime of misery.
So what was this significant prayer that I prayed? The truest and boldest prayer I have ever prayed and the one that I think has kept me more focused than ever on serving His purposes today. I prayed, “Lord, please don’t let a man see me as his wife or even date-able unless he sees You first.” I’ve observed similar sayings on social sites and in devotional emails often and agreed wholeheartedly with it, but had never applied it to myself. We often agree with something and think that is good for someone Else’s life but why do we never set it into prayer for our own lives, believing that He is able to do above and beyond that which we have asked? Do you know what my answer was from that prayer? A few weeks later as I drove along in my car and talked with the Lord, He told me “whenever he sees you, you won’t be doing anything to get his attention. You won’t have to vie for the attention of the man I have for you.” Mind blowing and clear as day, a Word specifically for me!
I believe in God’s goodness because the peace He has given me in the matter is so overwhelming that many would call it delusion or unreal. Do not get me wrong, as a human, I am imperfect and do have episodes and revert to thinking about how neat it’d be to be married and well on my way to my second or third child. Yet, as I Cor 10:13 tells me, there is no temptation that has overtaken me except that which is common to man and God is ever so faithful and He will not let me be tempted beyond what is bearable. Truth is, I could give in and wallow in self-pity or in a mindset that clings to a lost hope, lost relationship or my past, but that is not unbearable. I have to choose to wallow or choose to pray; and in those moments I always pray that the Lord show me how to take those thoughts captive unto the obedience of Jesus Christ (II Cor 10:5). For the Word is my sword, my weapon in this fight against the powers and principalities which seek to make me lose my sanity and my will power to obey the goodness of God (Eph. 6:10-18). Many of us are discouraged, but I urge you brothers and sisters to continue fighting the good fight! Our Father is Good and His Mercy is Forever and His Truth is in this Word, which will never fade!
As Paul told the Philippians and I now encourage you, “I am confident that He Who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”